Posting from work in the waning hours of the morning. Originally I hadn't planned on posting tonight, but as I seem to be ahead of schedule I thought I would take the time to talk about this past weekend.
Sunday was the celebration of my niece's birthday. My younger brother has gotten married to a girl who is very good for him. With her comes my niece from a previous relationship, and they have a baby boy on the way. My niece, Lexy, is a really cute and good natured kid. The party was held at my brother's in-laws house.
As I arrived I felt really out of place. Surrounded by all these friends and family that I didn't know, I didn't feel like I belonged there. My brother, a person I have been so close to for so long, seems like a different person. Not in a bad way or anything, he has definitely taken great steps in maturity and responsibility. Steps to becoming a man and a provider for his family. He is really a family man.
I guess I am having a hard time reconciling the guy I use to have so much fun with as not the same person. I am really happy that he has found happiness. But I have to wonder what is wrong with me when I can't accept the changes that you make as you become a father. I recognize my selfishness in that statement, but I also think that the selfishness comes from love.
I look to some of my other friends, my old room mate Jeremy, or a few of the guys I went to high school went. I never talk to them anymore. Jeremy was almost like a brother to me, and once he got married and had a child, we never spoke again. Not through no effort of my own I know. I tried.
Maybe I am scared of losing my brother the same way. I have always been a guy who keeps his circle of friends small, sharing myself with a close group of friends, rather than the field of fringe friends many have. I see that circle growing smaller and it depresses me. Will my good friend Bill become like this when his new child arrives? Gone forever the days of us drinking and laughing, and onto the realities of adulthood? Maybe even my friend Jason moving on, to college or relationships, and here I remain.
I look at my own life, and I always try to maintain a balance between the needs of responsibility and the needs of independence. I strive for that accord between the two. There is a time and lace for fun, as with responsibility. Too much of either in any direction is a bad thing. I saw how the loss of social responsiblity tore into my parents marriage, and how too much partying can lead to another's downfall. I would like to think that when it is my turn in a relationship, I will find a balance for myself and for my friends.
In regards to the party, my brother's in-laws were nothing but nice. But I knew I didn't belong there. I know that the thought of spending the Holidays there frightens me. I don't know where I belong these Holidays. I think that some part of me wants to be lonely, if only to feel something. I miss the security of my old friends and old habits.
I know that some parts of me are not ready to change. For all the things I don't like about myself, there are things that I do like. Maybe I am not into the full rigors of adulthood, but I know that I find a balance in my life between my needs and the weights of my responsibilities. I hope that I can be the best of both worlds.
My brother is moving on, and I am still right here. It's hard to let go sometimes.
End of Line.