It's about time for another one of my true stories. Still no spellcheck,
It's no surprise to anyone that I am not the most comfortable person around the opposite gender. I tend to get flustered in situations when it ventures outside the realm of the familar. I haven't had much luck in the romance department and sunsequently, not much luck getting action.
One of my only skills, albeit one that is handy in a limited context, is my keenly developed HOE-DAR. It's like GAY-DAR but for strippers. I can always tell which ones will give the best lap dances. Without fail. Several years ago during a trip to Vegas Bill and myself hit the clubs. I gotta say we were really drunk. REALLY DRUNK. I was drinking rusty nails, scotch and drambui for like hours, I had to have at least 30. So we go into the club and I decide to get a private dance, my HOE-DAR sounding out. I leave to the back, leaving Bill to fend off the guy that wanted us to go do some coke with him.
This girl was six kinds of crazy. I won't get into the details, but I was gone far too long and came back with my belt as a necktie. Now during the course of the dance, the girl wants me to talk dirty to her. This is certainly an area that I found uncomfortable and unfamilar, even in my drunken state. I've never talked dirty to a woman in my life, and I couldn't think of what to say. She is saying some pretty crazy stuff that I don't really remember now but at the time was awesome. I am drawing a blank. Finally she tells me to say something. So I say the only thing I can think of.
"I'm going to batter your ass like a piece of fish.:
Even typing it it sounds embarassing.
At the time my sloshed brain said that's some witty shit man. using some god damn comparative imagery and stuff. Sounding a lot wittier in my head then too.
That pretty much ended that.
Even now uttering that phrase around anyone brings a laugh, which is okay with me. It was one of the few times where anything went and we just ran crazy. That weekend can never be repeated, and I don't think I would want it to,
I promised Jason that I would post this tale, as he claims it's one of his favorites. Heed my advice people, never compare a woman's ass to beer battered fish, even if your paying her.
End of Line.