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A blog for poetry, prose, and pop culture.

Monday, September 24, 2007

True Story Time!

Hey all,

It's about time for another one of my true stories. Still no spellcheck,

It's no surprise to anyone that I am not the most comfortable person around the opposite gender. I tend to get flustered in situations when it ventures outside the realm of the familar. I haven't had much luck in the romance department and sunsequently, not much luck getting action.

One of my only skills, albeit one that is handy in a limited context, is my keenly developed HOE-DAR. It's like GAY-DAR but for strippers. I can always tell which ones will give the best lap dances. Without fail. Several years ago during a trip to Vegas Bill and myself hit the clubs. I gotta say we were really drunk. REALLY DRUNK. I was drinking rusty nails, scotch and drambui for like hours, I had to have at least 30. So we go into the club and I decide to get a private dance, my HOE-DAR sounding out. I leave to the back, leaving Bill to fend off the guy that wanted us to go do some coke with him.

This girl was six kinds of crazy. I won't get into the details, but I was gone far too long and came back with my belt as a necktie. Now during the course of the dance, the girl wants me to talk dirty to her. This is certainly an area that I found uncomfortable and unfamilar, even in my drunken state. I've never talked dirty to a woman in my life, and I couldn't think of what to say. She is saying some pretty crazy stuff that I don't really remember now but at the time was awesome. I am drawing a blank. Finally she tells me to say something. So I say the only thing I can think of.

"I'm going to batter your ass like a piece of fish.:

Even typing it it sounds embarassing.

At the time my sloshed brain said that's some witty shit man. using some god damn comparative imagery and stuff. Sounding a lot wittier in my head then too.

That pretty much ended that.

Even now uttering that phrase around anyone brings a laugh, which is okay with me. It was one of the few times where anything went and we just ran crazy. That weekend can never be repeated, and I don't think I would want it to,

I promised Jason that I would post this tale, as he claims it's one of his favorites. Heed my advice people, never compare a woman's ass to beer battered fish, even if your paying her.

End of Line.

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