I spent some quality time with my niece and newborn nephew yesterday. It is still so surreal to see my brother as a parent. It is both a sense of pride and shame to watch him. Pride in the sense of how proud I am for his accomplishments and the roles he has grown into. Shame for the things that I feel.
My whole life I have never been one to measure success by the the quality of your family or the job you had, I have always measured it by how your friends and love ones view you. My life is successful as long as the people around me like me for who I am. How you enrich others is how I found personal feelings of worth and value.
Now I look at myself and wonder if I am a failure. I don't make people feel the way my brother does. I don't believe in the value of my worth to another person anymore. The belief that I am more deeply flawed than I first imagined I am is far greater. How can I be worthwhile to others if I can't realize my own self worth? As time goes on, your circle of friends gets smaller and smaller. Over the last few years I see that happening more and more. I use to enjoy being alone with my thoughts, now I find when I am its scarier than it use to be.
I am scared that it is to late to change. Fear rules both aspects, fear of being alone, versus the fear of being rejected. Rejection means not only being alone still, but the confirmation of my own lacking self worth. That just creates a sliding scale, in which rejection leads to isolation, which leads to potentially even more rejection. The concept behind this is daunting, a thought that places undue pressure on the situation. It is a prospect that inhabits my thoughts more and more often every day.
In the end one must overcome their own fear. Eventually, one fear will predominate the other and I will be forced to make a choice. It is very difficult for me to voice my thoughts and fears aloud, I have always tried to internalize these thoughts, to keep them buried deep as my burden alone. Maybe now that the cracks are starting to surface, I can get the shove I need through into the unknown.
End of Line.