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A blog for poetry, prose, and pop culture.

Monday, November 17, 2008

True Story Time!

Hey all,

It's been a while since I shared another True Story from my past. This past week on more than one occasion, conversations with my friends have turned around to early sexual experiences. I think it started out when we were watching TV and a character was seeing their first set of boobs. So needless to say, we get to talking about the first naked bodies we have seen.

Now realize that this conversation occur ed not just with my room mate, but with other friends at work, so it was kind of a weird coincidence. Anyway, everyone else tells these awesome tales of catching visions of young, nubile boobs in their youth and it quickly becomes my turn to share my story about the first naked woman I saw. I am nothing if not honest here, a fault I HAVE to work on. So I proceed to relate about not only the first boobs I have ever seen, but the first naked woman I have ever seen. What I'd have to say is that the bitch had to be in her 80's. Yeah, that's not a typo, 80 fucking years old.

In high school I worked in hospitals as part of a class experience and got credit for it. So for about 8 hours a week over a two day period, I would leave school and go to a hospital or local medical facility instead of class. I would work in one branch of medicine for a while, then after a few weeks or so, I would go to another. I got to work in obstetrics, OR, emergency service, funeral homes, EMT departments, X-Ray, you name it. I really wanted to be in medicine when I was younger and this was just the kinds of opportunities I was looking for. On the very first day of my very first rotation in my first class, I was assigned to Endoscopy, which is the practice of feeding a flexible tube shaped camera down your throat or up your anus to check for abnormal growths along your intestine wall.

My first patient is this 80 plus year old lady, who disrobes from her gown and assumes an ass up position on the table. Yeah, you could see all the loose saggy gray haired goods. I can still see it. Then we proceeded to take the camera tube and lube it, and her, up. We fed it in her anus and up her intestine. Mind you, I am 16 years old here watching as the doctor does this. He invites me over to look at the monitor, and into a mounted monitor on the camera tube, place me about a foot away from this naked senior citizen's privates. I didn't know how to react.

Oh, I also failed to mention that she is farting while this is happening. She was given a slight sedative before the procedure started to ease the pain and in order to feed the camera that far up her rectum (which is all the way to through the small and large intestine to the valve between the intestines and the stomach.) To do so we have to blow air up her bum. The air expands the intestine, allowing the camera to feed up, but once the air is shot up, it must escape, which it does in the means of farts.

I can tell you that this experience should be no boy's first view of some boobs. I know that for the rest of my rotation, all I could see was that old vagina staring back at me when I closed my eyes. I mean that kind of shit can scar someone you know. I have heard of wanting to catch a 40's something cougar and see it naked, but never an 80 year old sabre tooth tiger!

End of Line.
Gerrad!

1 comment:

briscojr said...

So you're telling me you didn't batter than ass?