I promised to update on the true origins of yesterdays poem. It all started on Monday as I officiated my second wedding as a minister. It wasn't my best work as I presented everything. I really felt like the whole ceremony was kind of off. The wedding planner they had picked had never done this before, and while I have only done one wedding, I might have been able to at least keep on a set pace. The timing was off the whole ceremony with people walking at the wrong times. The groom and I didn't take our spots until after the best man and two bridesmaids went down the aisle! I just think that the ceremony could have been more consistent, and as a result so could I. I felt like we were never all on the same page.
Anyway, the truth is this was kind of an awkward wedding. I really only knew the groom and one other guest. Basically I spent a lot of time on my own. Sure I danced and whatnot, but I never felt a part of something bigger. My friend Yuji (the groom) looked so happy. Far happier than I had seen him look for a long time. Smiling, joking, he was like a different person. Me? I just felt more alone.
I remember thinking that there is nothing as singularly lonely than being by yourself at a family wedding. To see groups of people happy and smiling, and to be the one behind looking on. What is wrong with me that I keep waiting for a situation to change that never does. I just want an opportunity. Even that is better than nothing. It falls back to my own fear and cowardice. I am alone and I am scared to be rejected. The only thing worse than being alone is knowing that someone else would rather be alone than with you. That is what really scares me.
Then maybe I think that there is a part of me that wants to be alone, a part that wants to justify my actions and self pity. A part that knows that not trying means not getting hurt any worse. I don't know. How do you change a habit born of fear? As each day ticks off the year I get one day farther away, one more day that reinforces this behavior. I seem to get fairly reflective on this same topic every month I know. It helps to put to words what I can't say in words. To admit that I am scared, to admit that maybe I need help. It's hard to show weakness when you think of yourself as self sufficient. I don't want people to worry about me, yet I don't want people to know the real thoughts I have inside either. A conundrum of doubt.
In the end I guess it really does fall down to me. Me and my ability to face what I see in the mirror and like what I see, to see a person worthy of the things he wants, when for so many years I just see the person who wasn't. I'd like to think that I am strong enough to overcome, but I feel like the truth is a far more certain thing.
End of Line.