Went out with my friends Jason and Stefanie to Old Chicago. Had a lot of fun, did some drinks, coupled with the fun to be had from shots, which I will elaborate more on in a minute, got some dinner, and had some good conversation. I even busted out my karaoke skills on a little Dynamite Hack, Boyz in the Hood style.
We ordered a round of shots, starting with Irish car bombs, Stefanie couldn't even drink hers and Jason pretty much didn't care for it either. Next up was a blowjob. The point of a blowjob was to not use your hands when you drink it, and let me point out that this was hours of hilarity on end here. Stef couldn't get her whole mouth around the shot glass, Jason choked on his first attempt and spitted it out all over the place. I had to cheat a bit to get the glass positioned the first time but by the second round I did it no problem. Jason even managed to get him all down the second time, with a little help from his hands. it was fun!
We also had a lot of fun rating the level of smugness at the table. Its well documented that Jason likes the the better things in life, Steve Madden shoes, Ben Sherman wallet, anything San Francisco.. ect.. It was fun to tease a bit. Stef got caught on a few things, but either proudly or sadly my geekness overpowered any smug attempts sent my way. The fact that I ordered a Harry Potter book from England to get the Philosophers Stone title is NOT smug... just really sad.
Anyway, the point of this post was where the conversation turned to after the fun. Mainly me.
I really want to change how I am around women. I understand that I have some self esteem issues among other things. But I feel so uncomfortable talking about them to people. Any people. Typing words and saying them are different. When I am writing I don't have to see the reaction, I don't have to know what you felt about what was said unless you decide to say something. When I am talking to someone, regardless, I have a hard time letting down the shell. Its been such a practice to make a joke or cut myself to quick to diffuse an awkward or tense moment that I am afraid of what might happen if I don't.
Jason asked me what I would say to a girl that showed interest in me. I honestly had to say I don't know. He asked me what was the part of the body that I was attracted to the most. I didn't know. It's such an improbability in my mind that someone could like me for who I am that I don't usually let myself think about it. That's probably why I started writing poems, at least writing them I can articulate what I feel with what I want to say, even when I don't have the courage to say it. I want so much to change, I want to meet someone and not feel like a cripple, I just can't seem to get past the hump.
I've spent the last few hours dwelling on the things that were said, and I still don't think I have the answers I want. I did come to one conclusion though, I told Jason that the legs were the most attractive part of a woman for me, but I don't think that's right. I think its the face, not just physical beauty, but the whole face. The way an eye can frame the face, the curve of a cheek, the way their hair falls, her smile. A smile can say a lot without needing words.
I have to find a way to accept myself so I can lower my guard. Just open the door and take that first step. But it's the first step that's the hardest. Because I know one thing for absolute certain...
I spent an awesome evening with a great person, and I can't even bring myself to ask her the one thing I want to.
End of Line.